I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I enjoy the company of your penis
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