Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
