So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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