I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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