I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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