I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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