I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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