after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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