my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
