You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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