Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
