i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize