I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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