Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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