Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
