I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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