How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
