Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
