I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
