Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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