fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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