Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
