So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
