God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
