how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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