Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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