He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize