Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
