One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
