Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
