ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize