I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize