This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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