I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
