Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
