Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
