Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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