She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
