sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
