I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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