I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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