So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
