nut hugger
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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