True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
