Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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