Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.Â
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
