This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My vagina just recognized that song.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
