why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
