I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Pants are for mortals
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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