God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
