I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
