I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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