someone get that fucking seahorse.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
