mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
