There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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