i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
