Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
