Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
