So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
